Twists & Turns: Elroy, The Annoying Yard & Garden Pest

Please tell me we are not the only people dealing with problems in our yard that involve a very unattractive creature taking delight in digging up the grass and turning the once golf course smooth greenery into a golf course after 72 holes. And I do mean holes.

I'm talking about armadillos. You know, those very quiet, stealthy critters only making an appearance after we go to bed or leave the house overnight. Teddy has tried staying up late to catch them in the act but so far, no luck. He is claiming there must be a herd of them coming through, but how many would constitute a herd? And they are so very quiet to be so very destructive. One is bad enough. A herd? Unimaginable.

We also have a 'live trap' baited with the most delicious items that should appeal to a bug-eating little monster that can destroy a half-acre yard in mere hours, but this has proven not to work either.

Have you seen the TV ad for 'Yellawood' where the beavers (the cute beavers in little construction hats) come in after dark to chew on wood and find that it's too tough for them? Well, we need some Yellagrass!

Just so you don't think I haven't researched these pesky little tanks (which their name actually means), I happen to know that they are in the same family as anteaters and sloths. Now I ask you, when was the last time you had trouble with an anteater or a sloth, and I don't mean that lazy, messy relative that comes over to raid your fridge and moves as slow as molasses.

Well, right about now, I would happily trade an armadillo for an anteater. That critter could be helpful, but let's just stick with the one with a real big bone which their scaly plates cover. Yes, I said 'bone'. I did shoot one in another lifetime when I lived in Louisiana, and he just hopped into the air, landed on the ground and took off. I guess the bullet bounced off that bone.

I also know that armadillos only live in North, Central and South America. Lucky us.

As if all these qualities weren't enough to endear you to them, let's address the rumor that they carry leprosy. Well, let's just say, it's possible due to their low body temperature and sluggish metabolism. Now, most people are naturally resistant to leprosy, but I wouldn't advise serving an armadillo for dinner. There's got to be something (anything) better than that.

So, in light of all of this information, I have done the only sensible thing for dealing with this armored pest. I have given him a name. Elroy is now the poster child for everything that ever goes wrong at our house. You know, power goes out, Elroy did it. Water line breaks, Elroy was there! Limb falls on the roof, we say, "Elroy, get out of that tree!"

There is a good side to this, however. Since armadillos are such resilient, relentless rooters, I could teach Elroy to till up a garden space in the backyard or help me make a place in my flowerbeds for bulbs. And we can drop the coverage with our exterminator because Elroy just loves to eat termites!!

So, life will go on at the Love house, and we will fill in all of Elroy's signature holes, just so long as more holes don't appear to indicate that Elroy has cousins, many cousins.

If that happens and Teddy is correct about a herd of armadillos having a reunion of sorts, we will just have to take drastic measures. At that point, it would be time to bring in an army of apex predators like wolves, black bear and my favorite, coyotes. All these animals would definitely wreck their reunion because armadillos are, as I understand it, on their diets.

But for now, I am hopeful that one day I'll just look out my window and see Elroy on his back in the middle of the road with his feet up in the air.