I bring this book, by Gary Chapman, to your attention because it may be of some help if you are in a relationship with another person. I’m not sure if pets count. These five suggestions are supposed to help your relationship, marriage, whatever. You choose the one that fits you and the one that fits your partner and you each work on those. By the way, they are not the Five Love Questions… Where’s my socks? What’s for Dinner? Did you put gas in the car? Why is the light bill so high? Is Monday a Holiday?

First, let’s briefly understand what they really mean:

Receiving gifts. If this is yours, your spouse will be speaking your love language when they give you a gift.

Words of Affirmation. If your spouse praises you or uplifts you with kind or loving words, they are speaking what you need to hear.

Acts of Service. If your spouse likes it when you bring their coffee to them, or balances the checkbook for them, you are performing a love language for them.

Special touch. If you rub your partner’s feet, back, shoulders, etc. or if you offer kisses on their neck, cheek, ears, etc., well that is you speaking a love language.

Quality Time. If you put down the phone or newspaper or turn off the game show or reality show and just listen to your spouse, this can count as quality time.

Now, this is just a quick abbreviated list and you should really get the book for a more in-depth study but in my opinion, these acts of love are not to be accompanied by an unpleasant tone of voice, sarcasm or heavy sighs indicating you can’t wait for it to be over. That would be in The Language of Dislike.

Teddy and I try to practice the Love Languages, but I have to tell you his interpretation of them is a bit skewed.

He got a book at Christmas on interesting facts and he delights in reading it to me, as if his reading is a gift for me. If I read it to him it would be either an Act of Service or Quality Time. When he reads it to me it’s just annoying.

Example: I’m pouring over a cookbook to decide what to fix for dinner and he comes into the kitchen and says, “Did you know an armadillo can hold its breath for 6 minutes?” Now I’ve been interrupted and I don’t remember if the recipe said boil or bake the armadillo for 6 minutes or six seconds.

It’s taken him a good length of time to read the entire book and so this happens frequently in our house. After a while I have tired of hearing facts that I could only use on a game show so when he mentioned that a horse can travel 100 miles in a day, I retorted, “No, but I bet he can go even farther if he’s in a trailer!” Learn from my mistakes…my response was bordering on the Language of Dislike (subtitle: Sarcasm).

Just read the book, The Five Love Languages. You may have to use it at your trial.

Now, the next Seven are my own List of Languages of Love for those little things that, if not treated properly, can cause severe bodily harm. Read on.

Don’t say it! If you have to go outside and punch a tree, Do Not Say It! (Sometimes keeping my mouth completely shut is a true love language.)

Eat it Anyway-Doesn’t matter if it’s black and smoldering, take a bite and smile.

Vote fairly. You are not the Chairman of the Board at home. You are BOTH the co-chairpersons. (Suggestion: If a vote ends in a tie, let the dog decide. Whoever they run to is the winner.)

Go Anyway. Even if it sounds stupid, go where your spouse wants to go at least once.

Sympathize. Even if you think your spouse is faking it, show genuine sympathy. It’s less painful than if you don’t show sympathy and the pain turns out to be real.

Come Look at this-If a spouse ever says this go immediately. If not, you could end up with a chartreuse-painted house or a pet raccoon.

I love you. Most important thing you can ever say. And you must say it every day…at least once, more is better because Love covers a multitude of sins.

I’ll admit, some of the first 5 actions in the book can be difficult, but they are very important. Then, if they don’t work, try MY seven languages listed above. Based on my own time-tested experience, I believe they will do the trick, because when they are ignored, a tiny spark can turn into a raging inferno that can wipe out a national forest.

Afterward

When I finished this column and read it to Teddy asked what he thought, his response was, “I’ll take a number 7 with a side order of number 4, there’s a rodeo with bull riding coming up soon in Montgomery and I want to go.

Now I need a cowboy hat!